It’s a New Year! So where to start other than my outspoken long suffering Chicago Cubs buddy JPG who is still on Winter vacation from Stanford, which btw is a good thing since all the nutty professors there have been doing is corrupting his mind with statistics.

With it being a new year and all, I thought I’d make some wishes for this year. In no particular order:

1.NHL commish Gary Bettman and Dumb and Dumber VP of Operations Colin Campbell abducted by aliens. Replaced by Brett Hull and Ken Daneyko.

2.The Mets sign Sammy Sosa and then rename their team the Latino Metropolitans. Angry Met fans immediately pepper Mike and The Mad Dog in protest after Omar Minaya justifies the move.

3.After the Giants are eliminated by the Eagles, Tom Coughlin is fired. Replaced by Jim Fassel as enraged Michael Strahan protests and challenges a reporter.

4.Newly “retired” Tiki Barber finds out he doesn’t have a job lined up with a network and then unretires realizing he has some unfinished business.

5.After finally unloading Randy Johnson, the Yankees sign Roger Clemens to the richest one-year contract worth a cool $30 million. Don’t worry Yankee fans. Hot dogs will only cost 8 bucks and beer will cost you ten!

6.For Britney Spears’ skanky drunken falling apart circus to not make the front page anymore. She’s so over.

7.Terrell Owens shockingly announces retirement after Cowboys upset Seattle by a field goal because “he didn’t get enough looks.” Not surprisingly, he is hired by ESPN, who immediately teams him up with Michael Irvin.

8.For the NFL Network to just go away completely and stop ruining football.

9.Jets upset the Patriots on a last minute interception returned by Pro Bowl snub Kerry Rhodes, who dedicates it to John Lynch. Afterwards, a fuming Bill Bellichick puts out just his pinky when meeting Eric Mangini, who just laughs in his face.

10.For people who proclaim Peyton Manning the best QB they’ve ever seen to realize that his legacy will always be turning into the Tinman.

11.Chargers win the Super Bowl defeating the Eagles 55-10. LaDainian Tomlinson rushes for 227 yards and four touchdowns to win MVP. Afterwards, the NFC is officially renamed the MFC (Mediocre Football Conference).

12.Rangers wake up and get rid of Karel Rachunek. Replace him with Brian Leetch, who helps run their power play and rallies the team to its first Atlantic division since they won the Cup.
13.For the Devils to stop playing that boring style which drives almost every NHL fan nuts.

14.Sabres defeat the Ducks in thrilling seven games to finally get the monkey off the city of Buffalo, bringing home a real championship. No. The Buffalo Bandits don’t count.

15.After another disappointing season, St. John’s fires Norm Roberts and rehires Lou Carnesseca. The 81 year-old coaching legend wears his trademark sweater to press conference.

16.In late August with their pitching running thin, Cubs sign Jeff Weaver to add to their payroll in hopes of finally winning their first World Series in a century.

17.Suns defeat the Bulls in seven up and down action packed games for their first NBA title, exacting a little revenge on Chicago. Steve Nash wins MVP. Most importantly, there are no brawls.
18.Roger Federer wins the French Open defeating two-time defending champ Rafael Nadal in a five set classic, 4-6, 7-6 (7), 7-5, 6-7 (9), 12-10. The epic lasts over five hours.

19.For Miami Hurricanes football to be relevant again with new Coach Randy Shannon running a respectable program.
20.One home run shy of tying Aaron, Barry Bonds suddenly retires.
21.For Guns N’Roses to finally release the long anticipated Chinese Democracy album after over a decade. Miraculously, it still sells real well proving to music that the GNR name is greater than any current act even with almost all different members.